kid-free zone

I cleaned my house (re: attic loft) spotless. I bought myself flowers, which are in a pitcher on a clean surface, no toys in the main room whatsoever. My boyfriend came over on a weeknight and we could choose to  leave the house if we wanted. (We chose not to, as it turned out, which was glorious.) I woke up late, got to work early. I had 20,000 thoughts that were just my own. I needed only to get myself dressed, showered, fed. No complaints, demands, have-tos. I did my hair, brushed it and all. I went to the gym for 2.5 hours after work, till the sun went down, showered there without hurry, stopped off at a store. Looked around at said store for a very long time, tried on things I don’t even need or can’t afford but because time is of no importance. I debated going to a late movie but decided to stay in and write.  I’m practicing spontaneaity, it is the one thing I truly miss, unburdened by schedule or time where nothing has to be planned for and registered in worth or worry. I like to have options and say Yes to things and people. So this week I’m saying Yes to everything. I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and go for a run, because I can. I’m going to stay late at work, because I have to. I’m going out with friends and won’t rush home at all. The point is, I could do anything…

My son is away for the week; we have never been apart for a week, ever. I am a solo single parent, so my entire universe right now is opposite day. This is what people might not tell you: I used to take time for granted. I had lots of it to and by myself. And like injuring a finger or a limb, you never again take it for granted again once it is healed. Parents dream about time for themselves, don’t let anyone tell you differently. And when you get it, it feels awkward and selfish at first, and then freeing and remembering and maybe even giddy.

And here is the million-dollar question. On the ride to the store, after the gym, I asked myself: Would you do it all over again? Choose to have a child even if I knew I’d end up solo parenting. And the answer is an astounding Yes. My son is not a sacrifice, he is a blessing.

Because even though I could go to the store at leisure and without hassle, I felt a pang. When I went to the gym, I saw the kids’ room and felt a pang. I sit in my very clean house with very pretty flowers with absolute quiet and I get a pang. Becuase as much as I miss being spontaneous and free and having time to choose anything, my choice will always be my son. I lived so many years alone (and at times lonely), I painted the world red and used and misused time in wild abandon.  I have no regrets. He has given me a deeper meaning and a purpose and a comfort to my person that makes my whole life worth living, that I never had all those years of being alone. So I will gladly live like a rock star this week without guilt, knowing that these parts of me still exist. And then I will gladly go back to sharing my time and choices with my son.

Striking that balance between motherhood and womanhood is a true art. And I love art.




1 Response so far »

  1. 1

    mom said,


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